Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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