thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
