It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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