3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
