and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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