i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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