Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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