I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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