he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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