ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
