Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
