I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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