as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
