So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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