Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
