do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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