My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Randomize
