why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
