You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
