What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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