The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
do herpes really smell.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
