I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
