she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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