I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
