Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
