I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
