I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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