Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
