I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
