I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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