chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
