I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
