Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
