thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
