your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
