Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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