You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
