oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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