lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
