I murdered the dance floor call the cops
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
