TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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