i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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