sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
a search helicopter?!
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
