my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
