if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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