Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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