Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
