Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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