Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
