i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
