onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
